梦想之地（中英文版）

我的两个女朋友终于都进了稳定的事业单位。
但是她们说她们不开心。进去之前，两个人都哭了。一个痛哭了整个晚上，眼睛红肿；一个在夕阳下的摇椅上，静静地泪流满面。
她们说，我进了你逃出的牢。
我说我不知道是牢还是巢。
在墨尔本，我上的是技术学校。一直在打工。两只脚都受伤了还得拖着去洗盘子、倒垃圾。受了很多气，恐怕还得受下去。难过的时候，我说给自己听：“我要回家，妈妈，我要回家。我要回去了。”在倒垃圾的时候，电梯里只有我一个人，我用中文轻轻地说，一遍又一遍，仿佛这熟悉的语言有神奇的魔力能渲染时空，把这一隅电梯变成中国的一部分。然后叮地一声，电梯门开，赶紧调整表情，重装上阵。
无法摆脱的卑微感让我焦躁不安。悔恨的话是不能和家人说的。为什么堂堂的大学生，放弃了中学教师的职位在这里吃苦受气呢？为了移民。这个理由让我自己也惭愧。要放弃自己国籍的人，怎么说都没有光荣的感觉。
但是箭在弦上，不得不发。
脱离了不用踮起脚尖就可以看到未来的平稳安逸的生活轨道，犹如浮萍寄身沧海。在墨尔本拥挤的火车站日复一日地被汹涌的各色人潮拥向这样那样的方向。
我也哭的。
我的眼泪不是梦想破灭的声音。相反地，我一点一点重拾起幼时的梦想。生于忧患，死于安逸。那些以为不可能的梦，因为现在一无所有，反而重新萌发成选择。当人终于安定，可能性就像一柄折扇慢慢收拢，越来越小直至一线。飘零中的人却似海中浮萍拥有360度辐射开的可能。然而另一方面，如果永远处于浮荡的状态，可能的种子也永远不会开花结果。上一次，我把自己从福州连根拔起；这一次，我想试着在这里，在这汇集了热巧克力的甜蜜和眼泪汗水的酸苦的墨尔本，扎根。
我还记得那个故事，残缺的“圆”滚不快，它慢慢地路过风景，寻找缺掉的一角。知道这个世界上有一个角是属于你的，滚动就有了意义。我喜欢这个有梦想去寻找的，残缺而特别的圆。正和我的名字一样，坚忍地等待着盛放的时刻。
能得到这样的“延偿期”来发现我缺角的形状，无论多么艰苦，我也庆幸我多么幸运。

注：延偿期：指青年结束基本的学习后没有立刻进入社会工作（立即偿付），而是从事其它活动（如全职攻读研究生等）。如果我没有把原来学的心理学都还给老师的话，应该是这样吧，汗一个先。

英文版是翻译给某人看的，顺便当练习英文，呵呵。

Eventually, two of my girlfriends have got stable jobs in schools.

However, they said they were unhappy. Before changing their jobs, they cried. One cried out her eyes for a whole night, and the other sat in the light of sunset weeping quietly.

It is the time we chose our own fates. Any quit leads to sadness and dismay.

They said, ‘I go into the prison where you escaped’.

I am not sure whether it is a jail or a nest.

In Melbourne, my school is a low-status TAFE school. Every time mentioning it, I would feel ashamed. Always take some part-time jobs. Have to drag my hurt feet to wash dishes and empty bins. Often feel oppressed and looked down upon, and I am afraid I have to bear on them.

Sometimes when I felt deeply upset, I spoke to myself, ‘I want to go home, mum, I want to go home. I want to go back. ’On my way to empty bins, there is only me in the lift, I whispered to myself in Chinese, once and once again. The familiar language seemed to have a magic power to change the time and the space, turning the space time inside the small elevator into a piece of land in China. Then ‘ting’, the door opened. I had to quickly adjust my expressions and exert myself to pull the damn bin.

I can not get rid of the feeling of humiliation. No matter how do I tell myself I should be proud of what I am doing: I work hard, I take my study seriously and I teach myself English frequently. Still I can not get rid of the sense of lowliness being an outcomer here, studying as a TAFE student rather than a post graduator or at least a university student, being not able to support myself completely as an adult, and often being laughed at my influent English. Why should I, a middle school teacher whose major is psychology, quit my job to come here bearing all these the hell frustrations? For migration. This reason only let me feel more ashamed. How can a person feel glorious when she is going to give up her own nationality?

But just as an arrow is on the string, I have to shot it.

Leaving the ordinary obit which no need to stand on my toes to see my future, now I am like a float in the sea. I am pushed into here or there by the colorful crowd in Melbourne stations day after day.

I cried too.

But my tears are not the sounds of broken drams. Oppositely, I am picking up the dream in my childhood bit by bit. Life springs from calamity and sorrow, while dies from easy and pleasure. Those impossible dreams, as I have nothing at this moment, are sprouting into new possibilities. Just like a folding fan, possibilities are folded into a line as people are settling themselves. Only the adrift people possess the 360 degree radiative possibilities. But on the other side, these seeds of possibilities would never prosper if always in floating. Last time I uprooted myself from Fuzhou my hometown; this time, I tried to take root here, Melbourne, the city combining both the warmth and sweetness of hot chocolate, and the sourness and bitterness of tears and sweats.

I remember the story of a misshapen circle, which could not run smoothly. So it went pass the beautiful landscapes slowly, looking for it missing part. Knowing that a part in the world somewhere belongs to you endues your running with meanings. I like this misshapen while persevering circle, who cherishes a dream to go after. It is as well as my name, Bud, unremittingly waiting for the time to blossom.

I shall feel really fortunate getting such a period of delayed compensation, no matte how hard it is.